One of the most frustrating aspects of dealing with bullying behavior is learning to navigate the red tape that comes with reporting an incident. I've spoken with numerous parents who feel that their school system never takes any action.

I found that part of the problem is communication. Even if serious action is taken in regard to the child who is bullying, the schools couldn't necessarily tell you about it. There are significant limitations when it comes to the privacy of students. So, at times, it really can feel like you're being ignored. Keep in mind that is usually not the case.

For me, it became a difficult decision whether to report the incident at all because there was always the chance we'd be making it worse or my child would be marked as a tattler.

While I was constantly telling both of my children that they needed to go to the teacher whenever they were threatened, or pushed, or verbally abused, I was secretly hesitating myself. I was concerned about retribution and the fact that I had to go on blind faith the administration would do the right thing.

But our kids do have to say something. They've got to stand up for themselves, and they need to give school officials the information that they need if they are going to take action.

By making sure you report an incident properly, and then stepping back and focusing on your own child, you not only have the chance to make a difference to him or her, you could be helping some misguided kid who is making bad choices get some counseling. It may not be your first priority, but it's still an important part of the process. We are raising a generation.

Now comes the tough part: setting an example by handling the situation calmly and with respect for all involved. The school is not the enemy; the bullying behavior is. We need to work together to win the battle.

This is what I recommend:

1. Read the school's Code of Conduct, cover to cover. It helps to know where your school is coming from. Have your child read it, too.
2. Every school is different. So in addition to reading the handbook, ask your administrator about the policies, specifically about what steps are taken when bullying is the issue. It will help you have reasonable expectations and make good decisions when it comes to keeping your child safe.
3. When you speak to anyone from your school, maintain your respect and composure. It's not always easy, I know, but it's in the best interest of your child. You don't want walls going up when you enter the room. I promise that most educators really do want the best for your child.
4. Let your educators know that you want a safe environment for all children, not just yours.
5. Everybody needs support so, if possible, find an advocate—somebody you can get some feedback from before you speak to the teacher or administrator. I turn to the clinical consultant I use for all my books and workshops or some of my friends who are educators.
6. Make sure that the bullying doesn't become your whole world.

In regard to No. 6, it's important that bullying behavior doesn't become the primary focus for you and your family. It could make your child lose hope.

I do an art exercise with my kids to keep things in perspective. It gives me an idea of how they're viewing their life. We draw a circle in the middle of a piece of paper. Then, using markers or crayons, we divide it up like a pie chart and analyze by color.

First comes the family, which takes up a nice chunk of the pie. Then we add fun things like games, reading, TV, food and sleep. Finally, we put in school—class time, homework, etc. Within the school section, we divide out the amount of time they experience the bullying.

Usually, after stepping back and looking at the pie, they see that bullying is one of the smaller sections. Their world is about more than just being a victim of bullying. If it's not smaller, I know it's time to reevaluate the situation.

To be honest, every once in a while, I do one of those for myself. It helps me put things in perspective and remember that the world is full of opportunities, and although bad things happen, there are so many more good ones.

Next week, I'll be talking about red flags.

Until then, be kind to each other.