Pick a Secret Password and More Tips on Raising Teens

A mother’s simple gesture – an embrace – rebuffed by her 11-year-old child can only mean one thing: welcome to the rollercoaster ride of angst and drama known as the teenage years.

For psychotherapist Elizabeth Driscoll Jorgensen, that moment came in church when her daughter recoiled so unmercifully from an attempted hug that the mother of four knew, “something was bugging my kid.”

In fact, something was bothering her daughter. “Mom, I don’t know what it is but lately everything you do is embarrassing me,” Jorgensen recalled her eldest saying. “Everything you say, and stuff, I just can’t stand it … [I]t’s not just hugging in church, it’s everything – the way you talk, your clothes. Mommy, you dress like a freak, you know.”

Knowing laughter filled the Harvey School’s arts center in Katonah Tuesday night where more than 50 parents attended Jorgensen’s “Delay Your Gray” workshop hosted by the parents’ association.

The moment, which will appear in Jorgensen’s upcoming book, captures the dramatic shift in the parent-child relationship that occurs at puberty, when hormones and emotions take control of the young brain through the limbic system and families can spiral into chaos as power struggles replace cuddle time.

Parents, mostly mothers, nodded and took notes while Jorgensen, a certified alcohol and drug counselor specializing in adolescents and parents, presented a two-hour-long scientific case peppered with personal anecdotes for why teens behave as they do and why parents need to impose limits and embrace their newfound status as the world’s worst parent, according to their children.

The teenage brain has remained unchanged for “millennia and millennia,” explained Jorgensen. Biologically, teens are designed to break away from their parents and the often ugly process is a sign that parents have successfully raised a child who is ready to become independent.

“Teenagers are breaking away from intense romantic love for you,” said Jorgensen. “A lot of parents misinterpret that and withdraw.”

Rather, this is the moment parents must guide their teens into adulthood and teach them sound decision-making. With 25 years of experience counseling teens and parents, Jorgensen has experienced first-hand that “given their own devices, [teens] will get into trouble.”

Complications arise today because rather than settling down a couple of years after one hits puberty, teens spend a extended period saturated with sexual feeling and an undeveloped prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for making decisions.

Add to that a culture consumed by materialism; Internet social networking; greater risk factors among the wealthy; a lack of support networks for parents and the parental perception that children must always be happy. Parents feel lost for techniques and solutions. 

“It’s really exhausting,” said Jorgensen.

Easing the crowd with her self-proclaimed characteristic “flip” delivery, Jorgensen suggested when parents are faced with a teen who’s clearly lost rational thought and been overtaken by their limbic system: parent with authority, not as an authoritarian, and come up with new ways to say, “no.”

See a list of tips on raising teens that Jorgensen shared, posted at the end of this story.

For parents considering hosting underage drinking parties thinking they are controlling the situation, think again. Jorgensen warned that permissive parenting, a current trend, can backfire. “The kids will have to go to extremes [to rebel],” she said.

Consistency is key, Jorgensen says, because teens live for the one moment when you are tired and allow them to do something they shouldn't. Being present is also important, but something wealthier parents with hectic jobs and social lives find difficult.

Jorgensen is not immune to the challenges these methods pose for parents, having been on the receiving end of an icy response from parents who didn’t believe she caught their teen drinking with her own son. But being crossed off a guest list or embarrassing her children have never affected her judgment, she said.

 “We confuse being a friend with being a parent and the responsibility of being a parent is different,” said Harvey's Headmaster Barry Fenstermacher.

Harvey’s parents’ association hosted Jorgensen for a second time since November to expand on the issues she raised at “Harvey Speaks” after parents overwhelmingly expressed an interest for more information. Jorgensen has presented at Harvard University and Dartmouth College, and is the director of Insight Counseling in Ridgefield, Ct. A question and answer session followed the talk. 

Karen Walant, president of Harvey’s parents’ association, is a long-time friend of Jorgensen’s. “A lot of parents don’t know they can set limits and feel good about that. I wanted her to empower parents,” said the parent of twin 10th-grade boys and a daughter who graduated from Harvey last year. Walant considers it part of her mandate to help create a sense of community among parents, a particular challenge for private schools that draw students from different states.

For Walant, it’s not only parents who are affected by the scattered population. Screen time for teens also becomes an issue. “That’s their social time. In an independent school like this, their friends are far away … I think it’s a little different usage of screen time.”

Gaming is an issue in Jacqueline Day’s home. Her son is a junior at Harvey and after Jorgensen’s talk, she feels prepared to say, “These are your limits.” She knows there will be a struggle in the immediate future. “But it is worth it.”

As for that young 11-year-old who couldn’t stand anything mommy said or did, she’s now 25 and reprimands her younger siblings when they challenge their mom. “They are going to come back,” Jorgensen said.

Following are some of Jorgensen’s tips for raising teens:

• Saying “no” to a social outing you know will expose your teens to harmful behaviors is your job, but replace that event with something fun.
• Think like Peter Falk (“Help me understand …”) and Cesar Millan when you talk to your kids. Be authoritative, not authoritarian or permissive.
• Always be on the school’s side.
• When in doubt, stall for time.
• When you’re about to “go limbic,” leave the room and take a breather.
• Have alternatives to saying “no.”
• Phones, computers and any other electronic devices that require monitoring get charged in your bedroom at night so kids can’t use them without your knowing.

Have a password your children can use to alert you when they don’t feel comfortable and need to be picked up. Agree that no questions get asked when you hear that password and discover they are somewhere you forbade them to go.